Breeches

*Thump*

Oooh, the full seat breeches I ordered must be here! Yup, package from Dover, alright! Hmm, I wonder how they're going to fit. I've never actually owned a pair of full seats before.

Cut open the box..... look at the packing slip..... On second thought, no, don't look at the packing slip. It will only remind me of how much money I don't have anymore.

Okay, here we go, opening the bag. Unfold the pants and remove the hanger. Hanger? Why is there a plastic hanger in here? Hold breeches up to body........

Um, really? THESE are the size I ordered?! They look like an extra small! Hmm, well, I suppose they're going to stretch when I put them on. Seriously though, these are tiny.

Insert leg. Hmm, feels a bit snug. They're supposed to be snug. Insert other leg. Pull waistband up. Hooooo boy! Tight tight tight! Damn these things are small. It's like my lower half is encased in a pressure wrap! And the crotch isn't even close to mine. Huh. Better try and pull them up a bit.

Alright, now the legs are as high as they go, and the crotch is still not high enough. I think the circulation to my feet has been compromised. Look nice on my butt, though. Too bad they seem to be cut for a woman with crotch pudge and spindly little legs. A woman diametrically opposed to my own body shape, in fact.

Peel breeches off legs. This takes a little while, as breeches must remain unspoiled for return. Ease cuffs over ankles. Hold up breeches and peer at the label intently. Yup, that's the size I wanted alright. Humph! Rub calves where elastic cuff dug in. Swear.

Pull on old, dirty riding tights. Breathe sigh of relief as voluptuous thighs are NOT squeezed like lumpy salami in overpriced shrink wrap. Wonder why they can't just make the knee patches go all the way up on these tights. I'd buy those in a heartbeat.

Now, do I attempt the larger size or go with another brand entirely? *sigh*